Wednesday, June 1, 2011


So lets just say that you still make my heart skip beats
Lets just say that you still have this hold on me
No matter how much I try to delude myself
No matter how much I try to kill the emotions
You still find ways to bring me back
You feel me gone, and you pull me back in

Why I keep letting this happen is beyond me
But I can tell you this, babe.  I will not be the one to put it all in.  I will not give all of myself again.
I am worth being fought for.  So if you want to fight for me, fine.  Nothing will ever change if I keep giving in, I wont change, the relationship will never get better, I will never get better, you will never get better. 

I am glad for the clarity.  I know who I want to be with and who I wont allow myself to be with. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I miss you

I miss how I could count on you being there. I miss how deeply I felt it when you kissed me.  I miss how safe I knew I was in your arms, for once in my life.  I miss it all.  But mostly, I miss my best friend.

I will never understand it, neither of us are completely great at expressing ourselves. 

You were my first and only love so far.  I guess part of me will always love you.  I wish rhings were different.  but theyre not. 

Im going to forget about this today, if only for a day... well a night.

Im sure Im going to regret this.

It woould be a great laugh if I, the one who never thought Id fall in love, only loved truely once.  a great laugh.

The irony is that I too do not want any committment anymore.  Certain crippling irony.

The likelihood for me to jump into something is high, but so is the likelihood that Id end it before it ever had hints of being serious.  I didnt want it before and I dont want it after. 

Finally a skeptical little butterfly falls for her best friend, the moth. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I made a mistake

I shouldnt have started dating this new dude.  Im not healed from number one.  Im not ready.  And I dont really feel anything for this new guy.  I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I dont think that the spark is there.  I know how this is going to  sound, I really do, but he kissed me (yes I realize how juvenile I am sounding here).  I didnt really feel anything.. It didnt fit.  Even if I dont think about number one, it wasnt right.  And I dont want it.  I know how awful that sounds, but I shouldnt come out of a date thinking that Im going to leave the state and stay w my aunt for the summer.  It shouldnt be like that.  I shouldnt think, "oh gawd is this enough time to pull away, I dont want to make him feel bad, I dont want to do it again, Dont panic!DONT PANIC!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT PANIC!!!!"...

Yes, I have issues.  But even throwing the issues out.. I didnt feel the passion.  I can rate every kiss ive ever had, number one kissing him even in the simple pop kisses felt so connected and so perfect.. my friend, lets call him Apple... kissing Apple was very wild i suppose.. kissing new dude.. well not so passionate..

I would only be going through the motions.. I would only be luke-warm.. I should put an end to it, before I hurt him anymore.. I know hes a good guy.  He really is, but I also know that he isnt the one for me..

This has nearly nothing to do with the ex.. of course I still love him.. I am tragically screwed with that fact.. Everything in me tells me so, but I also know that it is finished.  Completely done.  But I will have to deal with that.  But this is apart from that. 

I still dont understand it, and maybe I never will.. But maybe I should leave here at least for the summer..

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ooooohhh Pa-Pa-Paranoid!

My blog is making me paranoid.  Im using it as a place to let out all the things I dare not say.. Or at least what I dont want anyone I know to be let into.. I mean, eventually I may start another one.. I prolly will.. In which case, it will be different from this one, but I still need an outlet away from everything.. I thought about deleting the earlier posts, they make me cringe.  They make me want to slap myself.  They are like slapping myself.  Theyre painful.  I just wish it didnt end up this way.  Not only did I manage to let an idiot in, let him hurt me, but I also lost my best friend.  And he was exactly that.  Weve been friends for so long, way before we started dating.  Ive known him for gosh 7 years.  So I guess thats another one of my problems, I knew him for so long and didnt see it.  But back to the posts... maybe I should delete them, maybe I shouldnt.. I dont know yet..

I specifically do not use names for a reason..

I dont want to hurt anyone.. I dont want new thing to know how recent or how bad old thing is/was..

"A day late, A buck short, Im writing the report.." 

Tomorrow is old thing's bday.. I want to text him happy birthday, but that would make me weak..
Im not going to.  He has to learn that I wont be there for him when hes thrown it all away..  Im not going to. Im not going to. Im not going to.. Im deluding myself.. as of now... I wont.. In the morning.. tomorrow.. I may change my mind.. Im just going to remind myself all the things he said.. how he never really was there.. how I put in everything I had, let him into the deep corners of my being and then he threw it all away..

new thing is sweet and safe.. he wont hurt me.. he wont take me for granted.

Monday, May 2, 2011

So Oopsie I fell for it again

I actually dont really understand it.  He pretty much went from excited to excited and worried to worried and super worried but still excited.  Then last night he decided that all he doesnt want a committed relationship right now and he just wants sex and to be able to party.  Im glad that I found out before I went across the country for him.  I am completely heartbroken, again.  I dont even have words.  Why would you throw away love?   He claimed that he loved me more than he ever loved anyone.  Hes either a liar or hes scared.  I know him.  Hes scared and stupid and thoughtless.  But Im not waiting on him. 

I have a good guy now.  (he was a good guy, but he just needs to grow up)  This new guy wouldnt forget things, he would be there for me and talk and remind me how much he cares often.  Im going to give him a chance.  Hes a good man.  I dont know if he will make me happy, but Im going to try.

I had the arguement w my ex last night and this morning I changed my facebook status.  I know how silly that sounds, but the new guy, he already had changed his back a month ago. 

My ex may have been my soul mate, my other half, but I can be happy with someone else.

Friday, April 29, 2011

APPRENTICE!!! How you hide from me!?!?!


Feeling up to an adventure,  I gathered my courage and ventured out into the wild, britstling world.
My quest was to deliver a magical document to the apprentice.  My quest started out shakey.  I was burdened with doubt.  Would I ever make it there?  Many goblins attempted to thwart my path.  However, I avoided there advances and came out unscaved. 

Finally ariving upon my destination, I discovered that his location was hidden.  The maze must be for protection and only the most trusted and witty can find the end.  I put up my best defences and wandered in.  Unlucky for me, I dont have the best sense of direction, so for a bit, I was fooled.  I ended up in the garden of confusion.  I was afraid that I would be trapped.  But I found a secret door that led me to EXACTLY were I had been before.  I thought I had entered another lair, No!... I circled back to the hall of whispers where I had went before.. It even suprised me..  Finally I went back, the place in front of my eyes, it was.   Hidden in plain sight.. GENIUS!!!  Apprentice, you are hidden well!  I am empressed!  Nigh, the faint of heart and sullied of sprirt would have never found you! 

Alas,  my quest has been completed.  It is out of my hands now. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Go or no? cancer and the drag.

I have been neglecting this.   My blog.  I am making small attempts at both healing and gaining an independence that I so desparately seek..

The ex, my best friend,  he wants me to move across the country.  We have been talking about it for the past month or so.  I feel like I keep getting to the point of being numb, of pushing away my feelings for prince charming.  Then he keeps pulling me back when he senses that Im almost gone.  Do I still love him?  More than anything.  Am I going to move there?  I think maybe.  I need a change.  I dont know that if he is going to want to continue this relationship when he graduates or not.. He wants the option to be single when he moves for a job, "i dont know if I will take it, or if I even want it. I just want the option."  My response was "I always have the option to end a relationship and start new, but I dont dwell on it".  I suppose that it would actually suprise me if he didnt consider that.  He is his own worst enemy.  I have never met another person so dangerous to themselves in this way.  He worries, overthinks things,  hes so afraid.  I see that.  I know that it wasnt just about sex.  Finding just sex, is way more easy then a relationship with me.  You can go out to any bar and find no strings sex.  I know by the way he kissed me that it wasnt just about sex.  I know by the sex, that it wasnt just about sex.  I know that part of him is worried that subconsciously it was, but I know that it wasnt.  I have went over it again and again.  It would be so much easier to put the blame on it being just about sex, but if it was, he wouldnt let me be slightly crazy, dragging it on.. We wouldnt even attempt at maintaining a friendship.  I know how he thinks.  He wouldnt worry about me if he didnt love me.  I know that the whole moving accross the country is insane, all things considered, but anything that is worth it, is a risk.  I am terrified.  Utterly, completely terrified.  I am so afraid of leaving the comfort of my parents home, but I am miserable here.  I need a change, and I need to know. 

I feel like there are signs.  I know that sounds wickedly ridiculous, and slightly insane.  I stumble upon a scholarship that I am suprisingly specifically qualified for.  It would be an essay or story that I need to tell anyways.  I need that healing.  I dont kow how to go about it, but I am starting on it today.  Writing about my cancer as a 16 year old.  I dont talk about it and I know that I need to work through some of the issues.  I may or may not post it on here when im done.  This really is a separate entity outside of that, so i might not.  I like to keep my real name separate from this.  I know how silly that sounds, but I am so bad at opening up, being vulnerable, and letting people in.  I am going to have four pages of insight into my past, into my pain, into what has shaped me. 

My parents love to absolve themselves of responsibility be stating the everyone makes themselves.  They believe that you are who you want to be and who you make yourself.  They think that you do not become the way you are through circumstances, their parenting, their marital issues, the things that youve been through, your environment or surroundings. 

That is not true.  I am a product of everything my life has molded into.  My choice is how i am, good or bad, but everything I have been through has shaped me.  My parents relationship makes me skeptical, to put it lightly.  My cancer gave me a greater understanding of the world.  I gained empathy, which is vastly different then sympathy.  I have a capcity for love and understanding greater then most people my age.  Conversly, I have also lost some of the drive I once had.  I now have moments of depression that rival the gravity of a true balck hole.  I can feel more weight mentally then I ever had before.  I have had many moments in life that forced me to grow up, I cant think of a time when I was a truely carefree child, but I am exactly who I am. 

Sooooo... I believe that this is long enough for now.. I have divulged enough and made a heavy enough post. 

To make up for the heaviness, I will leave a moment of lightness... I find that the internet is a dangerous place for me, in a humorous way, although Im sure I could find myself some true danger.  I stumble upon things that both, confuse me and leave me with strange questions.  So I leave you with this... Why the hell is there a zombie dildo?  why would you want something that looks all rotty?  The icky factor for me is immense.  I dont undrstand the allure.. To each his own though.. These are questions I have, not to mention the ones I gain after a drag show. 

Friday, April 1, 2011

Sigh... Again


I finally gave in and decided to let myself try to date again... First date is fri or sat.. He wants to do both, but I dont see that happening.. Toes in the water, not completely jumping in..

But then the ex, the one I still love, has been texting today.  He says he didnt know that he had the option for me to move there.  I told him that he did.  (I brought it up through text a couple of times.) But he says that he never received it and he wished that he had known.. I dont know what to think.. I have no clue what to do.. Now I think that he wants me to move there... I want to more than anything.. I still love him..

But then theres the date.  I cant not go.  Im not going to blow him off.. Hes been so patient.  Hes sweet and safe.  I dont think that he could ever hurt me.  But doesnt that make things pointless?  Isnt the unsure and passionate firework-love the point?  

I dont know what to do.  I still love him.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh Gosh

The after Valentine's Day post is painful to read.

On multiple levels.  It is embarrassing and raw.  It is strange. 

I am still just as confused as ever.  I keep telling myself that I cant fix this, but just as I think about moving on, he starts things back up again. 

Friday, March 18, 2011

Sorta a month

I had a thought.  Maybe I should come back here.  I have yet to read the posts, the ones were everything seemed so perfect.  I had cancer.  I did. I hate speaking of it.  It left me a lot less ready to open up..

Cancer is horrible.  I only had my immediate family to rely on, and emotionally I was entirely alone. You realize who your true friends are, who you can really count on when something major happens.  I do have a list of my "angels".  I will be forever grateful to them.  But I also have the flipside.  People who I expected to be there were not. 

I am forever independent, forever relying only on myself, forever skeptical, and forever jaded.

The previous posts described the one person I have ever truely let in,  Do I think that we are over? No.  Unfortunately I dont know what else I can do.  We are back to talking, sometimes exactly like we used to.  I can feel the change in him, but he still does the flirty thing.  I miss him, I miss us,  and I think that if you love someone, you try.  Even if you dont know what you want.  You try, because how will you ever know if you never do. 

I guess thats the point though, to find someone that finally changes your mind about everything.  Even if it was only for a breif period of time.  To find someone, that every moment in there arms felt like the world stopped spinning and the only two people left were you.  To change your mind about love, to open your eyes to the possibility of it and the beauty of love.  Even if it is completely irreveribly over, I am glad to have known it.  Something that was so strong, so trusting, in a long distance relationship, would have been amazing together. 

And I do know how that sounds.. A long distance relationship doesnt count/will never work/someone had to have been cheating/ isnt really a relationship/etc...

It dooes count.  We have known eachother since highschool.  He is my best friend.  Even through this, he is the one person that i want to talk things through with.  No he is the one guy i would trust not to cheat.  And no I wouldnt do that either.  I loved him with everything i had.  Maybe that was my mistake. 

But love I did.  And I still do.  The very thought of dating someone else, of holding anothers hand, makes me sick to my stomach.  I miss him.

But I will move on.  There may be only one soulmate for someone, and its possible that he was mine, but another can make me happy.  It might not be what it could have been, it might not come close, but i could find happiness. 

So either we finish the conversation that he is slightly avoiding, or Im moving on.  Im going to quit making excuses.  Quit being so indecisive.  I have reverted back to the inability to make any obligations, but im going to fix it. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Fuck it

Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck relationships. Fuck love.

Its over.  I cant stop crying.  And I still love him. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Part 2

So I got a text.  Yay... Just a "Happy valentines day sweetie:*" text.  At least he acknowledged it.

I cant even focus on studying.  I have an exam and lab tomorrow and I cant focus to save my life.  So Im here instead.  My bestie told me to blow him off for a few days and see what he does... I dont want to do that.. But I dont know what else to do.   I am heart broken.  Lovely.  I just dont know what to do anymore. 

Valentine's Day

I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day.  I've usually been single, or close to it.  So here is our first together. (me and my bf) .  And Im afriad that he is going to forget.  As a matter of fact, I am 99% sure he will.   Or he wont forget and he will just not acknowledge it.  It will break my heart and I know it.  I never let it get like this, let it get to the point where I can be hurt.. But here I am...(moment of ADD: Dustin Hoffman has a cameo in "The Holiday" as himself in a movie rental place.) 

My bf is wonderful, Ive said it a thousand times.. He is the person that I want to spend my life with.. But he is thoughtless sometimes.. He does the guy thing.. He is comfortable in our relationship, I think, and he doesnt realize how certain things affect me.  I love him.  And I guess thats why it hurts.  I dont want this to be a waste.  I want this to last and be amazing.  It is amazing.  I wish that he understood.. He is an amazing person.   I love how he sees the world, I love who he is, I love being with him.

But I need some sort of, I suppose, commitment... I need to feel like Im important to him.  But I cant say that I believe completely that I am.  I cant say that.  I need to feel that fire.  That need.  I need to feel like he wants and needs me.  I need that passion.  I can be alone, Im content.  Not very happy, but fairly neutral.  That is before I entered into this relationship.  He was one of my best friends before we started dating, still is.  Ive had him there for a while.  I knew what would happen.  I knew that I would fall for him even more if we started dating.  I loved him before.  I love him more now... I keep finding myself falling deeper in love.  and also hurt at the same time.  I need him to call, but he isnt good about that, we text constantly, but rarely talk.  Im constantly questioning that.  This relationship is hard.  Long distance relationships are hard.  I chose this, I chose him.  I dont want to hear other peoples comments on things that they dont understand.  I get it, they dont want to see me hurt, but I love him.. Im so glad that my bestie advocates for him.. And for the most part, they love him too... But they see that Im hurting.. I would be the same way... I can see both sides..

Im going to have a good cry now I think... I hate crying... little drops of betrayal..

I love him.  He is the only one I want.  I just wish that he would understand. 

I cant imagine being with someone else.  I dont want that.  I want to make this work.  He told me at the begining that he would do whatever it takes.  Most of the time, it seems like Im the only one working at it.  Maybe this is another instance of my naivity, another instance of my rose colored glasses.. I would find myself trusting too much, I would find myself being made a fool again... I want him to say that he loves me.. to think "damn im lucky".. but I would understand if he never felt that way.. (he tells me that he loves me every day, but I dont know that he thinks that hes lucky) I want to be important to him.

I guess we will just see what tomorrow brings.. See how he acts.. technically its Valentines Day now, but it isd 1:39AM.. Soooo....We will see what tomorrow brings... I am semi-boycotting it... Having an anti-valentines day... because my boyfriend is across the country and he probably isnt even going to do anything.. and my heart is going to break. again... I feel it crumbling as we speak..  I am worried that the end is coming.. I need him to make an effort... I will prolly write again tomorrow as the sequel to this.. finding out my own ending...

I love him.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Silence of Suicide

I read a blog, by Lori the Random Ramblings of a SAHM, she is feeling the affects of suicide first hand.  She is blogging all the details and all the pain.  I cant imagine what she is going through, but she is strong and brave. 

We need to talk about it.  When something affects us, it should be spoken.  Her blog is her outlet, I veiw this one as a journal of sorts and I think that is what it should be. No it isnt going to set someone off into suicide. That is ridiculous.  If anything her blog would help people.

Both men and women commit suicide.  Men are more violent about it, more final.  I think as women, even with suicide we have length to change our minds.  But women are more likely to talk about it.

Women are more likely to seek help.  There are studies on it.  We cover them in class.  Men have to be strong, to them moany times asking for help is showing weakness.  This topic does need to be discussed more.  Everyone thinks that it wont happen to them, this wont happen in their lives, but it does.  Like cancer.  It happens. All the time.  And talking about it will bring everyone a little bit closer to the issue.  Talk to your friends, family, significant others, just talk.  Most people will hit that point were they think about it, but we come back from it.   It does get better. 

So you go Lori.  Hopefully your blog helps you sort through things, and maybe it will touch someone out there and change someone's life.  And if anyone has a problem with it, screw them.  People brush to many issues under the rug.  Too many times we go silent.  Talking is healing.  Writing is healing.  Time is healing.  But through your processes, maybe someone will speak. 

So if anyone, anywhere, ever reads this... Speak.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Funky First Day Back

4 classes back to back.. Doesnt seem like much, until you have to go from building to building and hope that you can make it.. Despite that, I actually like my classes.  I have a dorky math dude, a hippy chick that reminds me of a female version of Conan O'Brian, the motherly figure, and a brit who sounds more Austrailian.  Well these are just my Thursday courses.  I still havent met my TA in Tuesday's lab.  My MWF courses I have two chicks.

Bf update: Still in love, but having a bad day so the alone feeling is definitely coming to light more.

I find that I still have issues with being touched without permission... I fear that I will be forever screwed up.  Im sure I need some heavy therapy.. If only I had the ability to open up quickly to someone.  I dont. So it wouldnt work.  Or at least thats my momentary view on it.  Maybe I am just scared to face everything.. I know that I am.  I just never want to admit it.  Its these moments that I am glad for the long distance thing, if he could see me, he would know when I am hurting, when I am freaking out, when I have my moments, he would know just how much I am screwed up. 

Funny thing, I actually think that he would still love me. As a matter of fact deep down, I know that he would.  But theres a fear there still. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


So classes are starting back up.. The much needed break wasnt long enough.  I wish I couldve spent more time with the bf, but I was so glad to get to see him.  I met his family and he met mine.  I think that it went well, but some moments looking baack on them pain me.  I wish I thought more in the moment, held on to those precious minutes with him, and been more open.  I am unavoidably shy.  I wish I could figure out ways to temper that.  I am thinking about writing a book..

To my bf: (who will never read this or know its me) I love you with all my heart, I want to marry you.  Two years, then we should both be done with school and ready to take it further.  And I am terrified, but youre the only person I have ever considered marriage with.  I never could see it working with everyone else, but with you its different.

You need to not be so thick sometimes though.  You dont make me mad over the little things, but I feel like Im bending over backwards.. You did meet my parents, you did make that work, so I am grateful.  You went through that handling it much better than I did.  You were my rock through it.  Im okay just sitting there with you when youre playing games.  As a matter of fact, I love those moments that you play, but sneak kisses and letting me snuggle up to you.  You are so funny when you get really into playing.  Its awesome.

You are beautiful.  In every way. 

But you dont think.  The reason I was upset was because you didnt think.  I dont want to have a single part in the cheating of others.  I hate cheating, and I dont think you ever would, but I am sstill fearful of it.  So when you texted for your brother, you should have remembered all those talks about why I am so afraid and why I hate it so much.  But I am over it.  It didnt happen, and I know I should have spoken up.  I need to work that out. 

Youre the one person that I want to tell everything to.  Thank you for always being there.  You have always been there for me, even when we were just friends.  You were always there.  Through highschool, through the bad breakup, through everything.   You cant possible know how much chemistry class meant to me.  I was alone, except for you.  Coming back to school after cancer, chemo, and everything.. I was alone, but I had you in that class.  The one class I looked forward to.  I stayed out of the lunchroom to avoid people and you came to the library.  You whispered the answers to a test that I hadnt completely studied for (bc I was sick).  Im sure you dont remember much of this, but you were there for me without even thinking about it. 
When I wasnt allowed to do the labs, bc our teacher was afraid that the fumes would harm me or that the wig would catch fire, you did the lab portion without me and without really questioning it.  You were the reason that class was fun. 

Thank you for listening to me whenever I need to talk.  Thank you for being gentle about that one thing, you know what Im talking about.  You listened, you were fine that I took so long telling you, you held me and told me that you loved me.  You are amazing.  Just thinking about those moments brings tears to my eyes, but not from sorrow.  These tears are because you are amazing.  You are the one person that I needed to tell.  I was worried that you would see me differently, that you would be upset that I didnt tell you sooner, that you wouldnt want me because of it.   But you understood, you were amazing.  I needed to hear you tell me that you loved me, I needed you to hold me. You did.  I think the tears freaked you out a bit, but you were amazing. 

I love you.  You are the only one I want, and the only one I could ever see myself with.  I want to make this work, I want to grow old with you.  Even if were apart now, we will end up together.  If we can make it through this, I think that we can make it through anything.