I shouldnt have started dating this new dude. Im not healed from number one. Im not ready. And I dont really feel anything for this new guy. I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I dont think that the spark is there. I know how this is going to sound, I really do, but he kissed me (yes I realize how juvenile I am sounding here). I didnt really feel anything.. It didnt fit. Even if I dont think about number one, it wasnt right. And I dont want it. I know how awful that sounds, but I shouldnt come out of a date thinking that Im going to leave the state and stay w my aunt for the summer. It shouldnt be like that. I shouldnt think, "oh gawd is this enough time to pull away, I dont want to make him feel bad, I dont want to do it again, Dont panic!DONT PANIC!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT PANIC!!!!"...
Yes, I have issues. But even throwing the issues out.. I didnt feel the passion. I can rate every kiss ive ever had, number one kissing him even in the simple pop kisses felt so connected and so perfect.. my friend, lets call him Apple... kissing Apple was very wild i suppose.. kissing new dude.. well not so passionate..
I would only be going through the motions.. I would only be luke-warm.. I should put an end to it, before I hurt him anymore.. I know hes a good guy. He really is, but I also know that he isnt the one for me..
This has nearly nothing to do with the ex.. of course I still love him.. I am tragically screwed with that fact.. Everything in me tells me so, but I also know that it is finished. Completely done. But I will have to deal with that. But this is apart from that.
I still dont understand it, and maybe I never will.. But maybe I should leave here at least for the summer..
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