Friday, March 18, 2011

Sorta a month

I had a thought.  Maybe I should come back here.  I have yet to read the posts, the ones were everything seemed so perfect.  I had cancer.  I did. I hate speaking of it.  It left me a lot less ready to open up..

Cancer is horrible.  I only had my immediate family to rely on, and emotionally I was entirely alone. You realize who your true friends are, who you can really count on when something major happens.  I do have a list of my "angels".  I will be forever grateful to them.  But I also have the flipside.  People who I expected to be there were not. 

I am forever independent, forever relying only on myself, forever skeptical, and forever jaded.

The previous posts described the one person I have ever truely let in,  Do I think that we are over? No.  Unfortunately I dont know what else I can do.  We are back to talking, sometimes exactly like we used to.  I can feel the change in him, but he still does the flirty thing.  I miss him, I miss us,  and I think that if you love someone, you try.  Even if you dont know what you want.  You try, because how will you ever know if you never do. 

I guess thats the point though, to find someone that finally changes your mind about everything.  Even if it was only for a breif period of time.  To find someone, that every moment in there arms felt like the world stopped spinning and the only two people left were you.  To change your mind about love, to open your eyes to the possibility of it and the beauty of love.  Even if it is completely irreveribly over, I am glad to have known it.  Something that was so strong, so trusting, in a long distance relationship, would have been amazing together. 

And I do know how that sounds.. A long distance relationship doesnt count/will never work/someone had to have been cheating/ isnt really a relationship/etc...

It dooes count.  We have known eachother since highschool.  He is my best friend.  Even through this, he is the one person that i want to talk things through with.  No he is the one guy i would trust not to cheat.  And no I wouldnt do that either.  I loved him with everything i had.  Maybe that was my mistake. 

But love I did.  And I still do.  The very thought of dating someone else, of holding anothers hand, makes me sick to my stomach.  I miss him.

But I will move on.  There may be only one soulmate for someone, and its possible that he was mine, but another can make me happy.  It might not be what it could have been, it might not come close, but i could find happiness. 

So either we finish the conversation that he is slightly avoiding, or Im moving on.  Im going to quit making excuses.  Quit being so indecisive.  I have reverted back to the inability to make any obligations, but im going to fix it. 

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