Thursday, December 9, 2010

a really long post, still not into real titles

Well I only have one more day of pushing down everything and waiting to slip into my depression.  I know its coming, but I just have to get through tomorrow with a half smile on my face. 

I think we are all innately selfish.  Through everything we are selfish.  I want my bf here. Im selfish.  I could argue that I just need some borrowed strength, I need him to listen, I need his shoulder to lean on.  I do, but I need to deal with this on my own, I cant change so quickly and learn to let someone in to be relied upon.  He seems to be a theme lately.  He is always a running theme.  Men are suprisingly a great deal more thick than I give them credit for, which is a feat to accomplish.  But I love him, and he really is there for me more then Im giving him credit for.  But I need some attention to keep my paranoid mind at ease.  I have to feel it.  I have to feel the fire or the passion.  I have to know that I drive him crazy, with love or lust...both.. I need effort to be put in, because Im never really easy in a relationship, and I am much more comfortable alone.  Dont mistake that for happy, Im not happy alone, content but not happy.  He actually makes me extremely happy.  Im not judged, Im loved, Im emotionally connected, Im calm, when Im with him.  The long distance thing puts a little strain on that. 

I can tell that the way we work together, it isnt that chase of the obstacle that keeps me hooked.  I usually get so bored with someone, but he betters me.  He helps me find some purpose, which Im greatly lacking.  And I know that I fight him many times with this.

I had cancer a few years ago, and I havent really reclaimed my purpose since.  I cant seem to find the drive to pull myself out of depression and to emerge myself back into everything.  I cant find reason. I dont see the point in losing the 50 lbs I gained because of the chemo treatment.  I cant find the drive to make it through a single class.  Which is sad because I have a decent mind.  I can make it by with little to no effort, but if I actually tried, I would soar.  But he lets me see a little more then I normally wouldnt.  He is so goal oriented that it both amazes me and drives me crazy.  He is so beautiful. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i dont really care for a title, this post was so bipolar..

Cant wait for Christmas!!!

I get to see my amazing bf.  That is the main thing Im looking forward to.  I didnt realize how hard long distance relationships are.  I love him and thats what matters, but there are days when I wish I had his arms to run into, days when I wish he was there to hold me.  That is so hard for me to admit to myself since I pride myself in independence, but today definitely was one of those days. 

It was one of those days that makes you question everything.  And yet he wasnt really there.  He doesnt really understand when I need him I guess.  But I am attempting selflessness.  And I feel like crying and breaking down, but I am faking happiness, at least to get through this week... Then I can allow myself the downward spiral.  So heres to the next three days actually... Then vodka..

I dont know if I should open up and tell him the thing that is killing me inside, Im told that it gets better.. One can only hope...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Upset And Slightly Unreasonable.

I am feeling pretty alone.

Why do men have to be so thick?  Why am I afraid to tell him how I feel?

Im in a monogamous, long distance relationship.  Which is fine, if he could call me a little more.  I love him.  He is the only person that I have ever really said that to.  And it scares the crap out of me.  I suppose that if this is the biggest issue that we have then I should be happy.  We see eachother about every two months.  And poor guy doesnt realize that Im already entertaining thoughts of marriage, but this really upsets me.  I know that guys dont get hints.  You cant drop them and expect them to read your mind. (I mean this isnt rocket science though) But he doesnt seem to understand and I am having trouble expressing myself. 

The more I hear other people and the less I hear his voice. the worse it gets.  The more alone I feel.  I know that it isnt the same as every other douce bag Ive dated.  I know that.  But the ghosts the left along with lingering other factors form a deep fear.  I fear that I will never truely be loved, that Im giving more and it isnt important to anyone, and then theres the fear of cheating.  I know he wouldnt cheat, he would break up with me first.  And he knows me well enough to know that if he breaks up with me he would lose me forever. Im quite jaded, I realize this.  And he is thick. Hes beautiful, amazing, wonderful, sweet, and smart.  Hes everything Ive ever wanted and everything I never knew I wanted.  I cant see myself with anyone else.

Monday, November 8, 2010



This morning I had class.  8 am.  History.  My professor has no idea how to play marco polo.  AMAZING!!!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Time for some attempts at letting go: baby steps

I am dating a completely amazing man.  He is my other half.  My kind of perfect.  And it scares me.

My issues stem from both my parents and my grandparents relationships.  Both are damaging and horrible in different ways.  My parents (mostly my father) believe that it doesn't affect their offspring or that we are oblivious to it.  My grandparents bring out the worst in eachother.  There is a strange hatred and symbiosis there.  I think of them as equal mutualistic parasites.  They feed off eachothers turmoil.  I could never put someone I love through that.  I fear the perpetuation of either relationship. 

Here we come to my fear of the L word.  Love.  Specifically I love you.  I refused to believe it the first time he said it.   The first time he said it was through text, so I could down play my fear.  However the first time he said it to my face I rolled over.  I was scared.  He held me and we talked about it.  It was the most naked I have ever been, ending with me speaking those words for the first time to any man.  I dont know if he knows that part, but he knows me better than anyone else.  He has been my best friend for years, even when we drift apart it always seems to come back to him.  He is the only one that I have ever thought about marrying.  I have persistently been opposed to the idea since childhood, but it is just different with him.

Cheating still comes into my paranoid mind.  I cant imagine being enough for someone.  It seems like everyone cheats.  I trust that he doen't.  But everything that I know says to be afraid of that.  I know that not everyone cheats.  But I have watched too many people cry over it.  Too many hearts broken.  Slowly I am trusting more, slowly I am pushing that fear away. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Popping My Blogging Cherry

I am The Darker Side of Pink.

I am a college student, a friend, a lover, a sidekick.  I am sweet and sour, at times hard to handle, blind, open,a female. 

The Darker Side of Pink is everything we all are and not what everyone sees.  Its the beautifully depressed, the brighter side of saddness, the jealousy that we refuse to acknowledge.  It is what we are.  I will probably contradict myself, as women we reserve that right. 

Things I love: craziness, chocolate, moments that take your breath away, laughing so hard that your sides hurt, anything different.

Genius goes hand in hand with insanity.