Saturday, May 28, 2011

I miss you

I miss how I could count on you being there. I miss how deeply I felt it when you kissed me.  I miss how safe I knew I was in your arms, for once in my life.  I miss it all.  But mostly, I miss my best friend.

I will never understand it, neither of us are completely great at expressing ourselves. 

You were my first and only love so far.  I guess part of me will always love you.  I wish rhings were different.  but theyre not. 

Im going to forget about this today, if only for a day... well a night.

Im sure Im going to regret this.

It woould be a great laugh if I, the one who never thought Id fall in love, only loved truely once.  a great laugh.

The irony is that I too do not want any committment anymore.  Certain crippling irony.

The likelihood for me to jump into something is high, but so is the likelihood that Id end it before it ever had hints of being serious.  I didnt want it before and I dont want it after. 

Finally a skeptical little butterfly falls for her best friend, the moth. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I made a mistake

I shouldnt have started dating this new dude.  Im not healed from number one.  Im not ready.  And I dont really feel anything for this new guy.  I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I dont think that the spark is there.  I know how this is going to  sound, I really do, but he kissed me (yes I realize how juvenile I am sounding here).  I didnt really feel anything.. It didnt fit.  Even if I dont think about number one, it wasnt right.  And I dont want it.  I know how awful that sounds, but I shouldnt come out of a date thinking that Im going to leave the state and stay w my aunt for the summer.  It shouldnt be like that.  I shouldnt think, "oh gawd is this enough time to pull away, I dont want to make him feel bad, I dont want to do it again, Dont panic!DONT PANIC!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT PANIC!!!!"...

Yes, I have issues.  But even throwing the issues out.. I didnt feel the passion.  I can rate every kiss ive ever had, number one kissing him even in the simple pop kisses felt so connected and so perfect.. my friend, lets call him Apple... kissing Apple was very wild i suppose.. kissing new dude.. well not so passionate..

I would only be going through the motions.. I would only be luke-warm.. I should put an end to it, before I hurt him anymore.. I know hes a good guy.  He really is, but I also know that he isnt the one for me..

This has nearly nothing to do with the ex.. of course I still love him.. I am tragically screwed with that fact.. Everything in me tells me so, but I also know that it is finished.  Completely done.  But I will have to deal with that.  But this is apart from that. 

I still dont understand it, and maybe I never will.. But maybe I should leave here at least for the summer..

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ooooohhh Pa-Pa-Paranoid!

My blog is making me paranoid.  Im using it as a place to let out all the things I dare not say.. Or at least what I dont want anyone I know to be let into.. I mean, eventually I may start another one.. I prolly will.. In which case, it will be different from this one, but I still need an outlet away from everything.. I thought about deleting the earlier posts, they make me cringe.  They make me want to slap myself.  They are like slapping myself.  Theyre painful.  I just wish it didnt end up this way.  Not only did I manage to let an idiot in, let him hurt me, but I also lost my best friend.  And he was exactly that.  Weve been friends for so long, way before we started dating.  Ive known him for gosh 7 years.  So I guess thats another one of my problems, I knew him for so long and didnt see it.  But back to the posts... maybe I should delete them, maybe I shouldnt.. I dont know yet..

I specifically do not use names for a reason..

I dont want to hurt anyone.. I dont want new thing to know how recent or how bad old thing is/was..

"A day late, A buck short, Im writing the report.." 

Tomorrow is old thing's bday.. I want to text him happy birthday, but that would make me weak..
Im not going to.  He has to learn that I wont be there for him when hes thrown it all away..  Im not going to. Im not going to. Im not going to.. Im deluding myself.. as of now... I wont.. In the morning.. tomorrow.. I may change my mind.. Im just going to remind myself all the things he said.. how he never really was there.. how I put in everything I had, let him into the deep corners of my being and then he threw it all away..

new thing is sweet and safe.. he wont hurt me.. he wont take me for granted.

Monday, May 2, 2011

So Oopsie I fell for it again

I actually dont really understand it.  He pretty much went from excited to excited and worried to worried and super worried but still excited.  Then last night he decided that all he doesnt want a committed relationship right now and he just wants sex and to be able to party.  Im glad that I found out before I went across the country for him.  I am completely heartbroken, again.  I dont even have words.  Why would you throw away love?   He claimed that he loved me more than he ever loved anyone.  Hes either a liar or hes scared.  I know him.  Hes scared and stupid and thoughtless.  But Im not waiting on him. 

I have a good guy now.  (he was a good guy, but he just needs to grow up)  This new guy wouldnt forget things, he would be there for me and talk and remind me how much he cares often.  Im going to give him a chance.  Hes a good man.  I dont know if he will make me happy, but Im going to try.

I had the arguement w my ex last night and this morning I changed my facebook status.  I know how silly that sounds, but the new guy, he already had changed his back a month ago. 

My ex may have been my soul mate, my other half, but I can be happy with someone else.