Wednesday, June 1, 2011


So lets just say that you still make my heart skip beats
Lets just say that you still have this hold on me
No matter how much I try to delude myself
No matter how much I try to kill the emotions
You still find ways to bring me back
You feel me gone, and you pull me back in

Why I keep letting this happen is beyond me
But I can tell you this, babe.  I will not be the one to put it all in.  I will not give all of myself again.
I am worth being fought for.  So if you want to fight for me, fine.  Nothing will ever change if I keep giving in, I wont change, the relationship will never get better, I will never get better, you will never get better. 

I am glad for the clarity.  I know who I want to be with and who I wont allow myself to be with. 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I miss you

I miss how I could count on you being there. I miss how deeply I felt it when you kissed me.  I miss how safe I knew I was in your arms, for once in my life.  I miss it all.  But mostly, I miss my best friend.

I will never understand it, neither of us are completely great at expressing ourselves. 

You were my first and only love so far.  I guess part of me will always love you.  I wish rhings were different.  but theyre not. 

Im going to forget about this today, if only for a day... well a night.

Im sure Im going to regret this.

It woould be a great laugh if I, the one who never thought Id fall in love, only loved truely once.  a great laugh.

The irony is that I too do not want any committment anymore.  Certain crippling irony.

The likelihood for me to jump into something is high, but so is the likelihood that Id end it before it ever had hints of being serious.  I didnt want it before and I dont want it after. 

Finally a skeptical little butterfly falls for her best friend, the moth. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I made a mistake

I shouldnt have started dating this new dude.  Im not healed from number one.  Im not ready.  And I dont really feel anything for this new guy.  I mean, I care about him as a friend, but I dont think that the spark is there.  I know how this is going to  sound, I really do, but he kissed me (yes I realize how juvenile I am sounding here).  I didnt really feel anything.. It didnt fit.  Even if I dont think about number one, it wasnt right.  And I dont want it.  I know how awful that sounds, but I shouldnt come out of a date thinking that Im going to leave the state and stay w my aunt for the summer.  It shouldnt be like that.  I shouldnt think, "oh gawd is this enough time to pull away, I dont want to make him feel bad, I dont want to do it again, Dont panic!DONT PANIC!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT PANIC!!!!"...

Yes, I have issues.  But even throwing the issues out.. I didnt feel the passion.  I can rate every kiss ive ever had, number one kissing him even in the simple pop kisses felt so connected and so perfect.. my friend, lets call him Apple... kissing Apple was very wild i suppose.. kissing new dude.. well not so passionate..

I would only be going through the motions.. I would only be luke-warm.. I should put an end to it, before I hurt him anymore.. I know hes a good guy.  He really is, but I also know that he isnt the one for me..

This has nearly nothing to do with the ex.. of course I still love him.. I am tragically screwed with that fact.. Everything in me tells me so, but I also know that it is finished.  Completely done.  But I will have to deal with that.  But this is apart from that. 

I still dont understand it, and maybe I never will.. But maybe I should leave here at least for the summer..

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ooooohhh Pa-Pa-Paranoid!

My blog is making me paranoid.  Im using it as a place to let out all the things I dare not say.. Or at least what I dont want anyone I know to be let into.. I mean, eventually I may start another one.. I prolly will.. In which case, it will be different from this one, but I still need an outlet away from everything.. I thought about deleting the earlier posts, they make me cringe.  They make me want to slap myself.  They are like slapping myself.  Theyre painful.  I just wish it didnt end up this way.  Not only did I manage to let an idiot in, let him hurt me, but I also lost my best friend.  And he was exactly that.  Weve been friends for so long, way before we started dating.  Ive known him for gosh 7 years.  So I guess thats another one of my problems, I knew him for so long and didnt see it.  But back to the posts... maybe I should delete them, maybe I shouldnt.. I dont know yet..

I specifically do not use names for a reason..

I dont want to hurt anyone.. I dont want new thing to know how recent or how bad old thing is/was..

"A day late, A buck short, Im writing the report.." 

Tomorrow is old thing's bday.. I want to text him happy birthday, but that would make me weak..
Im not going to.  He has to learn that I wont be there for him when hes thrown it all away..  Im not going to. Im not going to. Im not going to.. Im deluding myself.. as of now... I wont.. In the morning.. tomorrow.. I may change my mind.. Im just going to remind myself all the things he said.. how he never really was there.. how I put in everything I had, let him into the deep corners of my being and then he threw it all away..

new thing is sweet and safe.. he wont hurt me.. he wont take me for granted.

Monday, May 2, 2011

So Oopsie I fell for it again

I actually dont really understand it.  He pretty much went from excited to excited and worried to worried and super worried but still excited.  Then last night he decided that all he doesnt want a committed relationship right now and he just wants sex and to be able to party.  Im glad that I found out before I went across the country for him.  I am completely heartbroken, again.  I dont even have words.  Why would you throw away love?   He claimed that he loved me more than he ever loved anyone.  Hes either a liar or hes scared.  I know him.  Hes scared and stupid and thoughtless.  But Im not waiting on him. 

I have a good guy now.  (he was a good guy, but he just needs to grow up)  This new guy wouldnt forget things, he would be there for me and talk and remind me how much he cares often.  Im going to give him a chance.  Hes a good man.  I dont know if he will make me happy, but Im going to try.

I had the arguement w my ex last night and this morning I changed my facebook status.  I know how silly that sounds, but the new guy, he already had changed his back a month ago. 

My ex may have been my soul mate, my other half, but I can be happy with someone else.

Friday, April 29, 2011

APPRENTICE!!! How you hide from me!?!?!


Feeling up to an adventure,  I gathered my courage and ventured out into the wild, britstling world.
My quest was to deliver a magical document to the apprentice.  My quest started out shakey.  I was burdened with doubt.  Would I ever make it there?  Many goblins attempted to thwart my path.  However, I avoided there advances and came out unscaved. 

Finally ariving upon my destination, I discovered that his location was hidden.  The maze must be for protection and only the most trusted and witty can find the end.  I put up my best defences and wandered in.  Unlucky for me, I dont have the best sense of direction, so for a bit, I was fooled.  I ended up in the garden of confusion.  I was afraid that I would be trapped.  But I found a secret door that led me to EXACTLY were I had been before.  I thought I had entered another lair, No!... I circled back to the hall of whispers where I had went before.. It even suprised me..  Finally I went back, the place in front of my eyes, it was.   Hidden in plain sight.. GENIUS!!!  Apprentice, you are hidden well!  I am empressed!  Nigh, the faint of heart and sullied of sprirt would have never found you! 

Alas,  my quest has been completed.  It is out of my hands now. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Go or no? cancer and the drag.

I have been neglecting this.   My blog.  I am making small attempts at both healing and gaining an independence that I so desparately seek..

The ex, my best friend,  he wants me to move across the country.  We have been talking about it for the past month or so.  I feel like I keep getting to the point of being numb, of pushing away my feelings for prince charming.  Then he keeps pulling me back when he senses that Im almost gone.  Do I still love him?  More than anything.  Am I going to move there?  I think maybe.  I need a change.  I dont know that if he is going to want to continue this relationship when he graduates or not.. He wants the option to be single when he moves for a job, "i dont know if I will take it, or if I even want it. I just want the option."  My response was "I always have the option to end a relationship and start new, but I dont dwell on it".  I suppose that it would actually suprise me if he didnt consider that.  He is his own worst enemy.  I have never met another person so dangerous to themselves in this way.  He worries, overthinks things,  hes so afraid.  I see that.  I know that it wasnt just about sex.  Finding just sex, is way more easy then a relationship with me.  You can go out to any bar and find no strings sex.  I know by the way he kissed me that it wasnt just about sex.  I know by the sex, that it wasnt just about sex.  I know that part of him is worried that subconsciously it was, but I know that it wasnt.  I have went over it again and again.  It would be so much easier to put the blame on it being just about sex, but if it was, he wouldnt let me be slightly crazy, dragging it on.. We wouldnt even attempt at maintaining a friendship.  I know how he thinks.  He wouldnt worry about me if he didnt love me.  I know that the whole moving accross the country is insane, all things considered, but anything that is worth it, is a risk.  I am terrified.  Utterly, completely terrified.  I am so afraid of leaving the comfort of my parents home, but I am miserable here.  I need a change, and I need to know. 

I feel like there are signs.  I know that sounds wickedly ridiculous, and slightly insane.  I stumble upon a scholarship that I am suprisingly specifically qualified for.  It would be an essay or story that I need to tell anyways.  I need that healing.  I dont kow how to go about it, but I am starting on it today.  Writing about my cancer as a 16 year old.  I dont talk about it and I know that I need to work through some of the issues.  I may or may not post it on here when im done.  This really is a separate entity outside of that, so i might not.  I like to keep my real name separate from this.  I know how silly that sounds, but I am so bad at opening up, being vulnerable, and letting people in.  I am going to have four pages of insight into my past, into my pain, into what has shaped me. 

My parents love to absolve themselves of responsibility be stating the everyone makes themselves.  They believe that you are who you want to be and who you make yourself.  They think that you do not become the way you are through circumstances, their parenting, their marital issues, the things that youve been through, your environment or surroundings. 

That is not true.  I am a product of everything my life has molded into.  My choice is how i am, good or bad, but everything I have been through has shaped me.  My parents relationship makes me skeptical, to put it lightly.  My cancer gave me a greater understanding of the world.  I gained empathy, which is vastly different then sympathy.  I have a capcity for love and understanding greater then most people my age.  Conversly, I have also lost some of the drive I once had.  I now have moments of depression that rival the gravity of a true balck hole.  I can feel more weight mentally then I ever had before.  I have had many moments in life that forced me to grow up, I cant think of a time when I was a truely carefree child, but I am exactly who I am. 

Sooooo... I believe that this is long enough for now.. I have divulged enough and made a heavy enough post. 

To make up for the heaviness, I will leave a moment of lightness... I find that the internet is a dangerous place for me, in a humorous way, although Im sure I could find myself some true danger.  I stumble upon things that both, confuse me and leave me with strange questions.  So I leave you with this... Why the hell is there a zombie dildo?  why would you want something that looks all rotty?  The icky factor for me is immense.  I dont undrstand the allure.. To each his own though.. These are questions I have, not to mention the ones I gain after a drag show.