Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day.  I've usually been single, or close to it.  So here is our first together. (me and my bf) .  And Im afriad that he is going to forget.  As a matter of fact, I am 99% sure he will.   Or he wont forget and he will just not acknowledge it.  It will break my heart and I know it.  I never let it get like this, let it get to the point where I can be hurt.. But here I am...(moment of ADD: Dustin Hoffman has a cameo in "The Holiday" as himself in a movie rental place.) 

My bf is wonderful, Ive said it a thousand times.. He is the person that I want to spend my life with.. But he is thoughtless sometimes.. He does the guy thing.. He is comfortable in our relationship, I think, and he doesnt realize how certain things affect me.  I love him.  And I guess thats why it hurts.  I dont want this to be a waste.  I want this to last and be amazing.  It is amazing.  I wish that he understood.. He is an amazing person.   I love how he sees the world, I love who he is, I love being with him.

But I need some sort of, I suppose, commitment... I need to feel like Im important to him.  But I cant say that I believe completely that I am.  I cant say that.  I need to feel that fire.  That need.  I need to feel like he wants and needs me.  I need that passion.  I can be alone, Im content.  Not very happy, but fairly neutral.  That is before I entered into this relationship.  He was one of my best friends before we started dating, still is.  Ive had him there for a while.  I knew what would happen.  I knew that I would fall for him even more if we started dating.  I loved him before.  I love him more now... I keep finding myself falling deeper in love.  and also hurt at the same time.  I need him to call, but he isnt good about that, we text constantly, but rarely talk.  Im constantly questioning that.  This relationship is hard.  Long distance relationships are hard.  I chose this, I chose him.  I dont want to hear other peoples comments on things that they dont understand.  I get it, they dont want to see me hurt, but I love him.. Im so glad that my bestie advocates for him.. And for the most part, they love him too... But they see that Im hurting.. I would be the same way... I can see both sides..

Im going to have a good cry now I think... I hate crying... little drops of betrayal..

I love him.  He is the only one I want.  I just wish that he would understand. 

I cant imagine being with someone else.  I dont want that.  I want to make this work.  He told me at the begining that he would do whatever it takes.  Most of the time, it seems like Im the only one working at it.  Maybe this is another instance of my naivity, another instance of my rose colored glasses.. I would find myself trusting too much, I would find myself being made a fool again... I want him to say that he loves me.. to think "damn im lucky".. but I would understand if he never felt that way.. (he tells me that he loves me every day, but I dont know that he thinks that hes lucky) I want to be important to him.

I guess we will just see what tomorrow brings.. See how he acts.. technically its Valentines Day now, but it isd 1:39AM.. Soooo....We will see what tomorrow brings... I am semi-boycotting it... Having an anti-valentines day... because my boyfriend is across the country and he probably isnt even going to do anything.. and my heart is going to break. again... I feel it crumbling as we speak..  I am worried that the end is coming.. I need him to make an effort... I will prolly write again tomorrow as the sequel to this.. finding out my own ending...

I love him.

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