Sigh

So classes are starting back up.. The much needed break wasnt long enough.  I wish I couldve spent more time with the bf, but I was so glad to get to see him.  I met his family and he met mine.  I think that it went well, but some moments looking baack on them pain me.  I wish I thought more in the moment, held on to those precious minutes with him, and been more open.  I am unavoidably shy.  I wish I could figure out ways to temper that.  I am thinking about writing a book..

To my bf: (who will never read this or know its me) I love you with all my heart, I want to marry you.  Two years, then we should both be done with school and ready to take it further.  And I am terrified, but youre the only person I have ever considered marriage with.  I never could see it working with everyone else, but with you its different.

You need to not be so thick sometimes though.  You dont make me mad over the little things, but I feel like Im bending over backwards.. You did meet my parents, you did make that work, so I am grateful.  You went through that handling it much better than I did.  You were my rock through it.  Im okay just sitting there with you when youre playing games.  As a matter of fact, I love those moments that you play, but sneak kisses and letting me snuggle up to you.  You are so funny when you get really into playing.  Its awesome.

You are beautiful.  In every way. 

But you dont think.  The reason I was upset was because you didnt think.  I dont want to have a single part in the cheating of others.  I hate cheating, and I dont think you ever would, but I am sstill fearful of it.  So when you texted for your brother, you should have remembered all those talks about why I am so afraid and why I hate it so much.  But I am over it.  It didnt happen, and I know I should have spoken up.  I need to work that out. 

Youre the one person that I want to tell everything to.  Thank you for always being there.  You have always been there for me, even when we were just friends.  You were always there.  Through highschool, through the bad breakup, through everything.   You cant possible know how much chemistry class meant to me.  I was alone, except for you.  Coming back to school after cancer, chemo, and everything.. I was alone, but I had you in that class.  The one class I looked forward to.  I stayed out of the lunchroom to avoid people and you came to the library.  You whispered the answers to a test that I hadnt completely studied for (bc I was sick).  Im sure you dont remember much of this, but you were there for me without even thinking about it. 
When I wasnt allowed to do the labs, bc our teacher was afraid that the fumes would harm me or that the wig would catch fire, you did the lab portion without me and without really questioning it.  You were the reason that class was fun. 

Thank you for listening to me whenever I need to talk.  Thank you for being gentle about that one thing, you know what Im talking about.  You listened, you were fine that I took so long telling you, you held me and told me that you loved me.  You are amazing.  Just thinking about those moments brings tears to my eyes, but not from sorrow.  These tears are because you are amazing.  You are the one person that I needed to tell.  I was worried that you would see me differently, that you would be upset that I didnt tell you sooner, that you wouldnt want me because of it.   But you understood, you were amazing.  I needed to hear you tell me that you loved me, I needed you to hold me. You did.  I think the tears freaked you out a bit, but you were amazing. 

I love you.  You are the only one I want, and the only one I could ever see myself with.  I want to make this work, I want to grow old with you.  Even if were apart now, we will end up together.  If we can make it through this, I think that we can make it through anything.