Thursday, November 18, 2010

Upset And Slightly Unreasonable.

I am feeling pretty alone.

Why do men have to be so thick?  Why am I afraid to tell him how I feel?

Im in a monogamous, long distance relationship.  Which is fine, if he could call me a little more.  I love him.  He is the only person that I have ever really said that to.  And it scares the crap out of me.  I suppose that if this is the biggest issue that we have then I should be happy.  We see eachother about every two months.  And poor guy doesnt realize that Im already entertaining thoughts of marriage, but this really upsets me.  I know that guys dont get hints.  You cant drop them and expect them to read your mind. (I mean this isnt rocket science though) But he doesnt seem to understand and I am having trouble expressing myself. 

The more I hear other people and the less I hear his voice. the worse it gets.  The more alone I feel.  I know that it isnt the same as every other douce bag Ive dated.  I know that.  But the ghosts the left along with lingering other factors form a deep fear.  I fear that I will never truely be loved, that Im giving more and it isnt important to anyone, and then theres the fear of cheating.  I know he wouldnt cheat, he would break up with me first.  And he knows me well enough to know that if he breaks up with me he would lose me forever. Im quite jaded, I realize this.  And he is thick. Hes beautiful, amazing, wonderful, sweet, and smart.  Hes everything Ive ever wanted and everything I never knew I wanted.  I cant see myself with anyone else.

Monday, November 8, 2010



This morning I had class.  8 am.  History.  My professor has no idea how to play marco polo.  AMAZING!!!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Time for some attempts at letting go: baby steps

I am dating a completely amazing man.  He is my other half.  My kind of perfect.  And it scares me.

My issues stem from both my parents and my grandparents relationships.  Both are damaging and horrible in different ways.  My parents (mostly my father) believe that it doesn't affect their offspring or that we are oblivious to it.  My grandparents bring out the worst in eachother.  There is a strange hatred and symbiosis there.  I think of them as equal mutualistic parasites.  They feed off eachothers turmoil.  I could never put someone I love through that.  I fear the perpetuation of either relationship. 

Here we come to my fear of the L word.  Love.  Specifically I love you.  I refused to believe it the first time he said it.   The first time he said it was through text, so I could down play my fear.  However the first time he said it to my face I rolled over.  I was scared.  He held me and we talked about it.  It was the most naked I have ever been, ending with me speaking those words for the first time to any man.  I dont know if he knows that part, but he knows me better than anyone else.  He has been my best friend for years, even when we drift apart it always seems to come back to him.  He is the only one that I have ever thought about marrying.  I have persistently been opposed to the idea since childhood, but it is just different with him.

Cheating still comes into my paranoid mind.  I cant imagine being enough for someone.  It seems like everyone cheats.  I trust that he doen't.  But everything that I know says to be afraid of that.  I know that not everyone cheats.  But I have watched too many people cry over it.  Too many hearts broken.  Slowly I am trusting more, slowly I am pushing that fear away. 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Popping My Blogging Cherry

I am The Darker Side of Pink.

I am a college student, a friend, a lover, a sidekick.  I am sweet and sour, at times hard to handle, blind, open,a female. 

The Darker Side of Pink is everything we all are and not what everyone sees.  Its the beautifully depressed, the brighter side of saddness, the jealousy that we refuse to acknowledge.  It is what we are.  I will probably contradict myself, as women we reserve that right. 

Things I love: craziness, chocolate, moments that take your breath away, laughing so hard that your sides hurt, anything different.

Genius goes hand in hand with insanity.