Sunday, April 24, 2011

Go or no? cancer and the drag.

I have been neglecting this.   My blog.  I am making small attempts at both healing and gaining an independence that I so desparately seek..

The ex, my best friend,  he wants me to move across the country.  We have been talking about it for the past month or so.  I feel like I keep getting to the point of being numb, of pushing away my feelings for prince charming.  Then he keeps pulling me back when he senses that Im almost gone.  Do I still love him?  More than anything.  Am I going to move there?  I think maybe.  I need a change.  I dont know that if he is going to want to continue this relationship when he graduates or not.. He wants the option to be single when he moves for a job, "i dont know if I will take it, or if I even want it. I just want the option."  My response was "I always have the option to end a relationship and start new, but I dont dwell on it".  I suppose that it would actually suprise me if he didnt consider that.  He is his own worst enemy.  I have never met another person so dangerous to themselves in this way.  He worries, overthinks things,  hes so afraid.  I see that.  I know that it wasnt just about sex.  Finding just sex, is way more easy then a relationship with me.  You can go out to any bar and find no strings sex.  I know by the way he kissed me that it wasnt just about sex.  I know by the sex, that it wasnt just about sex.  I know that part of him is worried that subconsciously it was, but I know that it wasnt.  I have went over it again and again.  It would be so much easier to put the blame on it being just about sex, but if it was, he wouldnt let me be slightly crazy, dragging it on.. We wouldnt even attempt at maintaining a friendship.  I know how he thinks.  He wouldnt worry about me if he didnt love me.  I know that the whole moving accross the country is insane, all things considered, but anything that is worth it, is a risk.  I am terrified.  Utterly, completely terrified.  I am so afraid of leaving the comfort of my parents home, but I am miserable here.  I need a change, and I need to know. 

I feel like there are signs.  I know that sounds wickedly ridiculous, and slightly insane.  I stumble upon a scholarship that I am suprisingly specifically qualified for.  It would be an essay or story that I need to tell anyways.  I need that healing.  I dont kow how to go about it, but I am starting on it today.  Writing about my cancer as a 16 year old.  I dont talk about it and I know that I need to work through some of the issues.  I may or may not post it on here when im done.  This really is a separate entity outside of that, so i might not.  I like to keep my real name separate from this.  I know how silly that sounds, but I am so bad at opening up, being vulnerable, and letting people in.  I am going to have four pages of insight into my past, into my pain, into what has shaped me. 

My parents love to absolve themselves of responsibility be stating the everyone makes themselves.  They believe that you are who you want to be and who you make yourself.  They think that you do not become the way you are through circumstances, their parenting, their marital issues, the things that youve been through, your environment or surroundings. 

That is not true.  I am a product of everything my life has molded into.  My choice is how i am, good or bad, but everything I have been through has shaped me.  My parents relationship makes me skeptical, to put it lightly.  My cancer gave me a greater understanding of the world.  I gained empathy, which is vastly different then sympathy.  I have a capcity for love and understanding greater then most people my age.  Conversly, I have also lost some of the drive I once had.  I now have moments of depression that rival the gravity of a true balck hole.  I can feel more weight mentally then I ever had before.  I have had many moments in life that forced me to grow up, I cant think of a time when I was a truely carefree child, but I am exactly who I am. 

Sooooo... I believe that this is long enough for now.. I have divulged enough and made a heavy enough post. 

To make up for the heaviness, I will leave a moment of lightness... I find that the internet is a dangerous place for me, in a humorous way, although Im sure I could find myself some true danger.  I stumble upon things that both, confuse me and leave me with strange questions.  So I leave you with this... Why the hell is there a zombie dildo?  why would you want something that looks all rotty?  The icky factor for me is immense.  I dont undrstand the allure.. To each his own though.. These are questions I have, not to mention the ones I gain after a drag show. 

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