Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ooooohhh Pa-Pa-Paranoid!

My blog is making me paranoid.  Im using it as a place to let out all the things I dare not say.. Or at least what I dont want anyone I know to be let into.. I mean, eventually I may start another one.. I prolly will.. In which case, it will be different from this one, but I still need an outlet away from everything.. I thought about deleting the earlier posts, they make me cringe.  They make me want to slap myself.  They are like slapping myself.  Theyre painful.  I just wish it didnt end up this way.  Not only did I manage to let an idiot in, let him hurt me, but I also lost my best friend.  And he was exactly that.  Weve been friends for so long, way before we started dating.  Ive known him for gosh 7 years.  So I guess thats another one of my problems, I knew him for so long and didnt see it.  But back to the posts... maybe I should delete them, maybe I shouldnt.. I dont know yet..

I specifically do not use names for a reason..

I dont want to hurt anyone.. I dont want new thing to know how recent or how bad old thing is/was..

"A day late, A buck short, Im writing the report.." 

Tomorrow is old thing's bday.. I want to text him happy birthday, but that would make me weak..
Im not going to.  He has to learn that I wont be there for him when hes thrown it all away..  Im not going to. Im not going to. Im not going to.. Im deluding myself.. as of now... I wont.. In the morning.. tomorrow.. I may change my mind.. Im just going to remind myself all the things he said.. how he never really was there.. how I put in everything I had, let him into the deep corners of my being and then he threw it all away..

new thing is sweet and safe.. he wont hurt me.. he wont take me for granted.

No comments:

Post a Comment