Thursday, December 9, 2010

a really long post, still not into real titles

Well I only have one more day of pushing down everything and waiting to slip into my depression.  I know its coming, but I just have to get through tomorrow with a half smile on my face. 

I think we are all innately selfish.  Through everything we are selfish.  I want my bf here. Im selfish.  I could argue that I just need some borrowed strength, I need him to listen, I need his shoulder to lean on.  I do, but I need to deal with this on my own, I cant change so quickly and learn to let someone in to be relied upon.  He seems to be a theme lately.  He is always a running theme.  Men are suprisingly a great deal more thick than I give them credit for, which is a feat to accomplish.  But I love him, and he really is there for me more then Im giving him credit for.  But I need some attention to keep my paranoid mind at ease.  I have to feel it.  I have to feel the fire or the passion.  I have to know that I drive him crazy, with love or lust...both.. I need effort to be put in, because Im never really easy in a relationship, and I am much more comfortable alone.  Dont mistake that for happy, Im not happy alone, content but not happy.  He actually makes me extremely happy.  Im not judged, Im loved, Im emotionally connected, Im calm, when Im with him.  The long distance thing puts a little strain on that. 

I can tell that the way we work together, it isnt that chase of the obstacle that keeps me hooked.  I usually get so bored with someone, but he betters me.  He helps me find some purpose, which Im greatly lacking.  And I know that I fight him many times with this.

I had cancer a few years ago, and I havent really reclaimed my purpose since.  I cant seem to find the drive to pull myself out of depression and to emerge myself back into everything.  I cant find reason. I dont see the point in losing the 50 lbs I gained because of the chemo treatment.  I cant find the drive to make it through a single class.  Which is sad because I have a decent mind.  I can make it by with little to no effort, but if I actually tried, I would soar.  But he lets me see a little more then I normally wouldnt.  He is so goal oriented that it both amazes me and drives me crazy.  He is so beautiful. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i dont really care for a title, this post was so bipolar..

Cant wait for Christmas!!!

I get to see my amazing bf.  That is the main thing Im looking forward to.  I didnt realize how hard long distance relationships are.  I love him and thats what matters, but there are days when I wish I had his arms to run into, days when I wish he was there to hold me.  That is so hard for me to admit to myself since I pride myself in independence, but today definitely was one of those days. 

It was one of those days that makes you question everything.  And yet he wasnt really there.  He doesnt really understand when I need him I guess.  But I am attempting selflessness.  And I feel like crying and breaking down, but I am faking happiness, at least to get through this week... Then I can allow myself the downward spiral.  So heres to the next three days actually... Then vodka..

I dont know if I should open up and tell him the thing that is killing me inside, Im told that it gets better.. One can only hope...