Sorta a month

I had a thought.  Maybe I should come back here.  I have yet to read the posts, the ones were everything seemed so perfect.  I had cancer.  I did. I hate speaking of it.  It left me a lot less ready to open up..

Cancer is horrible.  I only had my immediate family to rely on, and emotionally I was entirely alone. You realize who your true friends are, who you can really count on when something major happens.  I do have a list of my "angels".  I will be forever grateful to them.  But I also have the flipside.  People who I expected to be there were not. 

I am forever independent, forever relying only on myself, forever skeptical, and forever jaded.

The previous posts described the one person I have ever truely let in,  Do I think that we are over? No.  Unfortunately I dont know what else I can do.  We are back to talking, sometimes exactly like we used to.  I can feel the change in him, but he still does the flirty thing.  I miss him, I miss us,  and I think that if you love someone, you try.  Even if you dont know what you want.  You try, because how will you ever know if you never do. 

I guess thats the point though, to find someone that finally changes your mind about everything.  Even if it was only for a breif period of time.  To find someone, that every moment in there arms felt like the world stopped spinning and the only two people left were you.  To change your mind about love, to open your eyes to the possibility of it and the beauty of love.  Even if it is completely irreveribly over, I am glad to have known it.  Something that was so strong, so trusting, in a long distance relationship, would have been amazing together. 

And I do know how that sounds.. A long distance relationship doesnt count/will never work/someone had to have been cheating/ isnt really a relationship/etc...

It dooes count.  We have known eachother since highschool.  He is my best friend.  Even through this, he is the one person that i want to talk things through with.  No he is the one guy i would trust not to cheat.  And no I wouldnt do that either.  I loved him with everything i had.  Maybe that was my mistake. 

But love I did.  And I still do.  The very thought of dating someone else, of holding anothers hand, makes me sick to my stomach.  I miss him.

But I will move on.  There may be only one soulmate for someone, and its possible that he was mine, but another can make me happy.  It might not be what it could have been, it might not come close, but i could find happiness. 

So either we finish the conversation that he is slightly avoiding, or Im moving on.  Im going to quit making excuses.  Quit being so indecisive.  I have reverted back to the inability to make any obligations, but im going to fix it. 

Fuck it

Fuck Valentine's Day. Fuck relationships. Fuck love.

Its over.  I cant stop crying.  And I still love him. 

Part 2

So I got a text.  Yay... Just a "Happy valentines day sweetie:*" text.  At least he acknowledged it.

I cant even focus on studying.  I have an exam and lab tomorrow and I cant focus to save my life.  So Im here instead.  My bestie told me to blow him off for a few days and see what he does... I dont want to do that.. But I dont know what else to do.   I am heart broken.  Lovely.  I just dont know what to do anymore. 

Valentine's Day

I've never really been a fan of Valentine's Day.  I've usually been single, or close to it.  So here is our first together. (me and my bf) .  And Im afriad that he is going to forget.  As a matter of fact, I am 99% sure he will.   Or he wont forget and he will just not acknowledge it.  It will break my heart and I know it.  I never let it get like this, let it get to the point where I can be hurt.. But here I am...(moment of ADD: Dustin Hoffman has a cameo in "The Holiday" as himself in a movie rental place.) 

My bf is wonderful, Ive said it a thousand times.. He is the person that I want to spend my life with.. But he is thoughtless sometimes.. He does the guy thing.. He is comfortable in our relationship, I think, and he doesnt realize how certain things affect me.  I love him.  And I guess thats why it hurts.  I dont want this to be a waste.  I want this to last and be amazing.  It is amazing.  I wish that he understood.. He is an amazing person.   I love how he sees the world, I love who he is, I love being with him.

But I need some sort of, I suppose, commitment... I need to feel like Im important to him.  But I cant say that I believe completely that I am.  I cant say that.  I need to feel that fire.  That need.  I need to feel like he wants and needs me.  I need that passion.  I can be alone, Im content.  Not very happy, but fairly neutral.  That is before I entered into this relationship.  He was one of my best friends before we started dating, still is.  Ive had him there for a while.  I knew what would happen.  I knew that I would fall for him even more if we started dating.  I loved him before.  I love him more now... I keep finding myself falling deeper in love.  and also hurt at the same time.  I need him to call, but he isnt good about that, we text constantly, but rarely talk.  Im constantly questioning that.  This relationship is hard.  Long distance relationships are hard.  I chose this, I chose him.  I dont want to hear other peoples comments on things that they dont understand.  I get it, they dont want to see me hurt, but I love him.. Im so glad that my bestie advocates for him.. And for the most part, they love him too... But they see that Im hurting.. I would be the same way... I can see both sides..

Im going to have a good cry now I think... I hate crying... little drops of betrayal..

I love him.  He is the only one I want.  I just wish that he would understand. 

I cant imagine being with someone else.  I dont want that.  I want to make this work.  He told me at the begining that he would do whatever it takes.  Most of the time, it seems like Im the only one working at it.  Maybe this is another instance of my naivity, another instance of my rose colored glasses.. I would find myself trusting too much, I would find myself being made a fool again... I want him to say that he loves me.. to think "damn im lucky".. but I would understand if he never felt that way.. (he tells me that he loves me every day, but I dont know that he thinks that hes lucky) I want to be important to him.

I guess we will just see what tomorrow brings.. See how he acts.. technically its Valentines Day now, but it isd 1:39AM.. Soooo....We will see what tomorrow brings... I am semi-boycotting it... Having an anti-valentines day... because my boyfriend is across the country and he probably isnt even going to do anything.. and my heart is going to break. again... I feel it crumbling as we speak..  I am worried that the end is coming.. I need him to make an effort... I will prolly write again tomorrow as the sequel to this.. finding out my own ending...

I love him.

Silence of Suicide

I read a blog, by Lori the Random Ramblings of a SAHM, she is feeling the affects of suicide first hand.  She is blogging all the details and all the pain.  I cant imagine what she is going through, but she is strong and brave. 

We need to talk about it.  When something affects us, it should be spoken.  Her blog is her outlet, I veiw this one as a journal of sorts and I think that is what it should be. No it isnt going to set someone off into suicide. That is ridiculous.  If anything her blog would help people.

Both men and women commit suicide.  Men are more violent about it, more final.  I think as women, even with suicide we have length to change our minds.  But women are more likely to talk about it.

Women are more likely to seek help.  There are studies on it.  We cover them in class.  Men have to be strong, to them moany times asking for help is showing weakness.  This topic does need to be discussed more.  Everyone thinks that it wont happen to them, this wont happen in their lives, but it does.  Like cancer.  It happens. All the time.  And talking about it will bring everyone a little bit closer to the issue.  Talk to your friends, family, significant others, just talk.  Most people will hit that point were they think about it, but we come back from it.   It does get better. 

So you go Lori.  Hopefully your blog helps you sort through things, and maybe it will touch someone out there and change someone's life.  And if anyone has a problem with it, screw them.  People brush to many issues under the rug.  Too many times we go silent.  Talking is healing.  Writing is healing.  Time is healing.  But through your processes, maybe someone will speak. 

So if anyone, anywhere, ever reads this... Speak.

Funky First Day Back

4 classes back to back.. Doesnt seem like much, until you have to go from building to building and hope that you can make it.. Despite that, I actually like my classes.  I have a dorky math dude, a hippy chick that reminds me of a female version of Conan O'Brian, the motherly figure, and a brit who sounds more Austrailian.  Well these are just my Thursday courses.  I still havent met my TA in Tuesday's lab.  My MWF courses I have two chicks.

Bf update: Still in love, but having a bad day so the alone feeling is definitely coming to light more.

I find that I still have issues with being touched without permission... I fear that I will be forever screwed up.  Im sure I need some heavy therapy.. If only I had the ability to open up quickly to someone.  I dont. So it wouldnt work.  Or at least thats my momentary view on it.  Maybe I am just scared to face everything.. I know that I am.  I just never want to admit it.  Its these moments that I am glad for the long distance thing, if he could see me, he would know when I am hurting, when I am freaking out, when I have my moments, he would know just how much I am screwed up. 

Funny thing, I actually think that he would still love me. As a matter of fact deep down, I know that he would.  But theres a fear there still. 

Sigh

So classes are starting back up.. The much needed break wasnt long enough.  I wish I couldve spent more time with the bf, but I was so glad to get to see him.  I met his family and he met mine.  I think that it went well, but some moments looking baack on them pain me.  I wish I thought more in the moment, held on to those precious minutes with him, and been more open.  I am unavoidably shy.  I wish I could figure out ways to temper that.  I am thinking about writing a book..

To my bf: (who will never read this or know its me) I love you with all my heart, I want to marry you.  Two years, then we should both be done with school and ready to take it further.  And I am terrified, but youre the only person I have ever considered marriage with.  I never could see it working with everyone else, but with you its different.

You need to not be so thick sometimes though.  You dont make me mad over the little things, but I feel like Im bending over backwards.. You did meet my parents, you did make that work, so I am grateful.  You went through that handling it much better than I did.  You were my rock through it.  Im okay just sitting there with you when youre playing games.  As a matter of fact, I love those moments that you play, but sneak kisses and letting me snuggle up to you.  You are so funny when you get really into playing.  Its awesome.

You are beautiful.  In every way. 

But you dont think.  The reason I was upset was because you didnt think.  I dont want to have a single part in the cheating of others.  I hate cheating, and I dont think you ever would, but I am sstill fearful of it.  So when you texted for your brother, you should have remembered all those talks about why I am so afraid and why I hate it so much.  But I am over it.  It didnt happen, and I know I should have spoken up.  I need to work that out. 

Youre the one person that I want to tell everything to.  Thank you for always being there.  You have always been there for me, even when we were just friends.  You were always there.  Through highschool, through the bad breakup, through everything.   You cant possible know how much chemistry class meant to me.  I was alone, except for you.  Coming back to school after cancer, chemo, and everything.. I was alone, but I had you in that class.  The one class I looked forward to.  I stayed out of the lunchroom to avoid people and you came to the library.  You whispered the answers to a test that I hadnt completely studied for (bc I was sick).  Im sure you dont remember much of this, but you were there for me without even thinking about it. 
When I wasnt allowed to do the labs, bc our teacher was afraid that the fumes would harm me or that the wig would catch fire, you did the lab portion without me and without really questioning it.  You were the reason that class was fun. 

Thank you for listening to me whenever I need to talk.  Thank you for being gentle about that one thing, you know what Im talking about.  You listened, you were fine that I took so long telling you, you held me and told me that you loved me.  You are amazing.  Just thinking about those moments brings tears to my eyes, but not from sorrow.  These tears are because you are amazing.  You are the one person that I needed to tell.  I was worried that you would see me differently, that you would be upset that I didnt tell you sooner, that you wouldnt want me because of it.   But you understood, you were amazing.  I needed to hear you tell me that you loved me, I needed you to hold me. You did.  I think the tears freaked you out a bit, but you were amazing. 

I love you.  You are the only one I want, and the only one I could ever see myself with.  I want to make this work, I want to grow old with you.  Even if were apart now, we will end up together.  If we can make it through this, I think that we can make it through anything.